I just gave the rings back.

I don't think I've ever been in this much pain ever before.

Fml.

I'm single.

Well, shit.

What's best?

So, I just had a fairly long talk with Billy about how I'm doing things in my life.

I've been out here since October and part of that was for Stephen but the last month and a half have been mostly for me.

I have had no responsibilities out here for the past month and half and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

We were talking about how there are things in life that you need to do, but there are also things in life that you have to LET yourself do.

I guess that that's the best way to put what we were talking about.

He thinks that I'm worrying too much about other people and taking on more than I can really handle considering my mental state.

He thinks that I need to do something more for me and something more geared towards what I WANT to do with my life.

I can understand where he's coming from in some ways, but in other ways, I just don't know what to think about all of it.

I just can't imagine doing some things.

I just want to be some kind of successful, even if that just means that Stephen and I are content.

I would be content to live with Billy and Adrianne, I'm just not sure that I would want to do it here in Pennsylvania.

I can't seem to get anyone to understand why I like the area that I live in in Illinois vs. why I really hate the area here.

I just feel more comfortable in Illinois.

I've lived there my entire life and I can't see that I would ever be totally comfortable living out here.

I just wish that I could make decisions.

I wish that Stephen would go to school.

I wish that he would start making things happen and start making them happen right now.

I want to stop waiting and I want to start doing.

There are still issues that I have to deal with that I'm trying my best to deal with.

I try to do my best and I just wish that that were enough.

I feel like a big fail.

I want to make someone proud and right now I'm not really doing that at all.

I do these things to myself all of the time.

I am extremely worried about someone that I shall not name.

I have absolutely no way of helping him out with his situation.

*sigh*

Blah blah blah I should be sleeping, but Yami was licking my toes and it was grossing me out and then I started thinking and felt like I had to write RIGHT NOW or else I would never sleep.

My psychiatrist upped my dosages yet again and I still feel stoned from this morning's meds, so I'm scared to take tonight's, so I'm just not going to.

I will use the fact that I am not at home as an excuse.

I have other issues too, but those are some things that I'm not even willing to put onto a blog that no one reads.

Yesterday was 4 years for Stephen and I.

Crazyyyyyy.

I really hope that I can find a job when I get back to Illinois so that I can get a new car.

I am so tired of my big huge gas guzzling piece of crap.

All of this babbling and the question still remains...

Illinois or Pennsylvania?

That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

I am still very torn.

More than ever, I am confused about which direction "home" is.

I have even more friends out here now.

I also still miss my family like crazy.

I am just confused confused confused.

I can has hugs?

It is 6am here in Catasauqua, PA...

So far we have 6 inches of snow and it is still falling.

The snow is the reason I am here, in Catty, and not in Macungie.

I can never sleep the first time that I stay at someone's house.

My mind is racing.

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life.

I feel like Hannah freaking Montana, though my alternate life is not that of a mildly skanky teenage pop star.

I feel very empty right now and I am going to miss my best friend's birthday because of the snow.

I hate that people are afraid to be straight up with me.

I'm not going to break down solely because you ask me to clean something.

It has always driven me crazy that you won't just yell at me or confront me like you would your biological children.

It has always bothered me that in years past, she got yelled at for things that were actually my fault.

Everyone is terrified that, because I am on medications for my mental state, that confronting me is going to make me go suicidal or something.

I am not that fragile.

I can take a beating.

If I do something that upsets you, I would really absolutely love it if you came to me about it.

Will I ever tell you this? Probably not.

...But that is only because I type/write the words that I will never have the guts to say to your face.

I love you and I want to please you just like your real children want to.

In every other aspect you have treated me and loved me like them.

It would thrill me if, just once, one of you got mad at me and actually told me.

I love you.

Still upset at him, but whatever.

If he's gonna be a tool, he's gonna be a tool.

I've been spending all of my time in Catasauqua.

I wish my car got better milage, so that the above sentence wouldn't be so expensive.

Nothing exciting, really.