Okay, so I have broken up with yet another man.

I'm starting to wonder whether I'm an idiot magnet or if I'm just icky and can't be happy.

Which are the flaws that are acceptable to overlook?

Which are the ones that make a person unique?

Which are the ones that I'm supposed to giggle at and say "Oh, that's just what makes him who he is!"?

I'm fairly confident that the flaws in question were not of the aforementioned variety, but I can't help but go back to the "What's wrong with me? Why can't I do this?" state of mind.

I want to feel good about love again.

I want to feel love again.

Character synopsis.

A dear friend (who happens to be a writer) wrote a few words about me as if I were a character in his novel.

Here it is.

"Through the smoke, the laughter, the music breaking on the cracked sound system, there she is sitting among people she knows. The odd thing, she's alone, even here where so many call her name. They approach to embrace, and she obliges, but without satisfaction, smiling to placate. When she lets go, cigarette to lips as she retakes her seat, her eyes, wide and bright as newborn stars, say that she is ready to be be alone. Forget this mob, this insanity; she has her own distinction, and it is cramped inside her mind. If only she could escape, flee to that small solace with someone who will just leave her to her loneliness but hold her when she's ready to be held, that would be nice. But that's just wishful thinking, and she has grown beyond the idea of ideals. The wanting of inner fantasy. This much she knows is true, that there is no guarantee, everything torn around a lacking design. Beyond that, not much is left, only a feeling that something has to submit.

She smiles, smokes her cigarette, leaning back in her chair. Adjusts her sweater, watches as eyes fall on her chest before feebily reaching for her eyes. It's always the same. She's beautiful in a way no one thinks to realize; stigmas retaliate against this fact only to shatter. She doesn't notice, though, and fails to fully grasp what is so attractive about her. Still, she understands: she's gorgeous in the eyes of whoever chooses to behold, and with that she runs, and feels most beautiful of all"

Way to be a freakin' downer, man.

It's Christmas.

I can't say that I have had a particularly enjoyable Christmas for several years now.

I was thinking that this one was going to be flawless, as I have been having a pretty incredibly relaxing time here in Crawfordsville, until this afternoon.

Stephen contacted me for the first time in 9 months.

I haven't spoken a word to him since about a month after we broke up.

He messaged me on Facebook asking for a couple of things that I don't even have.

He had to choose Christmas to do it?

I secretly hope that it's because he missed me today.

I know that I missed him.

It isn't that I want him back, it's that this would have been our fifth Christmas together and it just seems strange to me to not have him be a part of it.

It's funny how some things that you do your entire life can go missing and you don't notice at all and others? Well, you do them only for a portion of your life and the second they go missing, you feel a desperate need to regain them.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about him having contacted me. I've thought about sending him a text on major holidays, his birthday, things like that... But I never did.

I knew it would only set me back.

I knew that it would never end the way I hoped.

He isn't mature enough for that.

He never was.

He never will be.

I'm not sure why I ever thought that he was.

Then again, I'm not sure why I thought many of the things that I thought about him, even while we were together.

I suppose that I can go all cliche and say "Love is blind."

Anyway...

Sadly, keeping in contact with him just isn't an option if I don't want to end up back where I was ten months ago as soon as I left.

It's hard to believe that yesterday was exactly ten months since I broke up with him.

Sometimes, it still feels like it was just yesterday.

I know that that's pretty pathetic and that I ought to have moved on by now (and in some senses, I have), but it isn't really something that I can control.

I've completely lost my train of thought, so I'm just going to shut up.

If anyone actually reads this, I'm sorry that I tend to only write on here when I'm pissed off or bummed out.

Also, I left my journal in Illinois and have only ventured out for salsa while being here in Indiana.

So, enjoy the insanity or something.

Merry friggin' Christmas.

This is a post solely for the purpose of posting something on here while i'm not having a meltdown.

That is all. =]

Rawr.

I don't know why I constantly do this to myself.

I always seem to find the one thing that it is the hardest to have and to want nothing but that impossible thing (or person).

I should probably just go ahead and knock it the fuck off, eh?

I will probably always hate myself for the fact that the last words my grandpa ever said to me were "Hurry home, I love you." and the fact that I didn't...

Nothing of importance.

I guess I just feel like writing something on here.

I haven't been able to write for quite some time, so I suppose that blogging will have to do.

Nothing new or exciting is going on.

I'm still just trying to cope.

I'm trying, I promise.

I will always love that man, even if I want to scream and shout at him until his head spins off for some of the choices he's making.

I do incredibly miss him, but I just have to remember that this is what was best and that it was a decision that I made and therefore I have no one else to blame for it.

I need to get new guitar strings.

Both of my guitars end up sounding pretty pathetic by the end of a single song and it is starting to drive me insane.

I'm super tired, but I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel like playing WoW.

I feel like such a lame-ass anymore.

I really wish that I could find a job.

At least having a job would help with the whole "feeling useless" issue that I have going on. That's really attractive, I'm sure.

I'm trying not to be the ridiculously depressed person that I've been for as long as I can remember.

I want to be happy and I believe that I deserve to be happy.

I at least want to be content instead of constantly miserable. I KNOW that I deserve at least that much.

I'm trying my hardest not to need a therapist. This is something that I have been trying to avoid for years. I just hate the concept and I hate the idea of whining and carrying on to a complete stranger who only cares because they are getting paid to care.

I've always hated the idea.

I also always hated the idea of a psychiatrist, but I've already had to concede and give in on that one. I'd rather enjoy not having to give in to both of them.

I'm still not used to being single.

It's strange.

In a way, it's nice. In another way, all I want is Stephen back. Ugh.

I drink too much.

That's totally healthy.

Go out all of the time... That will totally solve all of your problems.

Who I am is not who I want to be.

Signed,

A Work in Progress