Way to be a freakin' downer, man.

It's Christmas.

I can't say that I have had a particularly enjoyable Christmas for several years now.

I was thinking that this one was going to be flawless, as I have been having a pretty incredibly relaxing time here in Crawfordsville, until this afternoon.

Stephen contacted me for the first time in 9 months.

I haven't spoken a word to him since about a month after we broke up.

He messaged me on Facebook asking for a couple of things that I don't even have.

He had to choose Christmas to do it?

I secretly hope that it's because he missed me today.

I know that I missed him.

It isn't that I want him back, it's that this would have been our fifth Christmas together and it just seems strange to me to not have him be a part of it.

It's funny how some things that you do your entire life can go missing and you don't notice at all and others? Well, you do them only for a portion of your life and the second they go missing, you feel a desperate need to regain them.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about him having contacted me. I've thought about sending him a text on major holidays, his birthday, things like that... But I never did.

I knew it would only set me back.

I knew that it would never end the way I hoped.

He isn't mature enough for that.

He never was.

He never will be.

I'm not sure why I ever thought that he was.

Then again, I'm not sure why I thought many of the things that I thought about him, even while we were together.

I suppose that I can go all cliche and say "Love is blind."

Anyway...

Sadly, keeping in contact with him just isn't an option if I don't want to end up back where I was ten months ago as soon as I left.

It's hard to believe that yesterday was exactly ten months since I broke up with him.

Sometimes, it still feels like it was just yesterday.

I know that that's pretty pathetic and that I ought to have moved on by now (and in some senses, I have), but it isn't really something that I can control.

I've completely lost my train of thought, so I'm just going to shut up.

If anyone actually reads this, I'm sorry that I tend to only write on here when I'm pissed off or bummed out.

Also, I left my journal in Illinois and have only ventured out for salsa while being here in Indiana.

So, enjoy the insanity or something.

Merry friggin' Christmas.