Solitude

Sometimes that's all you really need.

I'm staying the night at a friend's apartment while she's out partying for new year's.

I just wanted some complete solitude to think things over and do some writing.

I just think that if I'm alone for a while it will significantly improve my mood.

I have so much going on in my life that my brain can no longer process all of it, so I just need to force myself to get it alllllll out of there.

I need to convince myself that my emotions are okay and that they aren't ENTIRELY uncalled for and that life might work out some way someday.

Hebrews.

I am going to attempt to write a Bible study for the book of Hebrews.

Wish me luck.

So...

No new car, but that's ok.

I wasn't really getting my hopes up too high.

I knew that there had to be a catch and the catch was that it was too picked over when I got there.

I got some new ink last night and I am in love with it.

I am really missing my grandpa.

He's getting out of the hospital today and going to the nursing home.

That makes me feel a tiny bit better, but still missing him.

At least I got the tattoo that I've always wanted to get that means a lot to me because of him.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about a lot of things right now, but I am starting to be okay with that.

I'm starting to accept that nothing is certain and nothing ever stays the same forever.

Life and death are inevitable and there is nothing that I can do about that, either.

I am very much looking forward to fake Christmas on the 9th.

At least I know I'll still be here for that.

I need to be able to write like I used to.

Blogging just isn't the same release as a pen to paper is.

Other tattoo from last night, not finished yet:

I might...

...be getting a new car.

Hallelujah.

I hope this works, but if it doesn't, at least my car isn't dead dead.

Decisions, decisions...

I have so much thinking to do right now.

I have so many things pulling me in so many directions.

I need to start taking action and making decisions.

"It is Well"

Another day staring out the window

searching for the slightest glimpse of sun.

Another night, curled up, all alone,

waiting for a sign.

What hurts the most is knowing that

you could have stopped him.

One wave of your mighty hand and I

would not be here.

And I don't understand why you let this happen.

And through it all, you tell me that I do not have to fear.

But trust in You is hard to find when nothing is safe and nothing is clear.

Tell me once again that you will be my healer.

Tell me once again.

Tell me once again that You can take my pain.

Tell me once again that You hold my world in Your hands.

So I can say...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Another day, staring in the mirror,

wondering how You can love me.

Can You not see the shame that's suffocating me?

What hurts the most is that I don't know how to heal.

And some days You feel so far away.

I don't know who I am or what You're seeing in me.

And I don't know how to walk by faith,

Will you show me the way?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

-Kasee Caracci, my dear dear friend.

Random thoughts again...

I've been thinking about my church here in Pennsylvania.

I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore.

They try so hard, but I'm just not sure that all of the hearts are in it.

I am certainly not one to judge, but it just seems like some people are caring more about the show of the service than the meaning of the service.

I saw Zing today.

It sent me into a panic attack.

The ending of our friendship broke my heart and almost felt like a breakup.

That sounds so stupid, but it's just the best way I can explain it.

I feel so stupid for all of this crap.

SO stupid.

I just wish things had not happened the way they did.

So much for promises, huh?

Homesick homesick homesick.

Stupid tibia

I bruised my tibia.

I love falling down the stairs.

I have a stupid knee brace until they get the right size knee immobilizer in stock.

I'm not sure how my tibia is affecting my knee so much, but it is certainly killer.

I was pretty bummed on Christmas.

I feel like I should have been there, seeing as it was most likely my grandfather's last one with us.

I was still pretty torn up about it yesterday, but what's done is done.

It's too late now, but I suppose that maybe that is why it's even harder.

I'm just so homesick that every little thing is getting to me.

Even the thought of having my 21st birthday out here with my friends hasn't been enough to improve my mood.

If it wouldn't upset Stephen so much, I would probably go home right now.

He really needs me right now and I need to be here for him.

I am tired of crying.

Gahhhhh...

Hot chocolate coffee.

My favorite thing this morning is putting hot cocoa mix into my coffee.

That is one of my favorite things all of the time, but this morning it is my very favorite thing, because I'm freezing my tooshy off.

I've never had a Christmas that I didn't celebrate with my grandparents.

This will be the first one.

I miss them.

I want to go home, but I don't want to miss my birthday out here with my friends.

I'm going to watch White Christmas and drink my cocoa coffee.

Frustration

I am so stressed out about not being home right now.

I want to be there for my family during this difficult time.

I know that I could be of service somehow and that they are only telling me that it's ok because they want me to be happy, but I can't help but feel useless out here.

My grandpa is back into the hospital and will not be returning home.

They are going to put him into a nursing home right after the hospital.

I hate this.

I hate cancer.

I have too much hate in me.

I need more hope and faith in me, instead.

Home alone.

So I got to spend one whole day with Lydia before she had to start touring the family.

It is so nice to have her back, I just wish that I knew what I could do to make the transition a little bit easier on her.

I know that she's happy to be home, but it is still going to be very hard for her.

I'm home alone for most of today, most of tomorrow, and on christmas eve and christmas, though I do have plans to spend those days with Stephen's family.

I guess I could just go out.

I think I would rather stay inside the warm house, and knit or read or play on my new computer.

Blah. I need to go take my medicine.

This post brought to you by:

My brand new MacBook.

I adore it.

Lydia is home from Haiti safely which is a huge blessing.

I am very close to strangling my psychiatrist for being so full of shit.

You don't prescribe someone a $450 prescription and then have them stop taking it and replace it with another just a week later.

I should bronze those last 20 pills... That's $300 that only the lovely people that produce Abilify will ever see again. I digested the other $150 in teeny tiny pills.

Too bad they don't even have street value (just kidding, promise).

I am increasingly worried about my grandfather.

I think that a large part of it is that all of my cousins are worrying, too.

I'm angry at cancer and illness in general.

I have been knitting scarves for some organization Lydia's mom found to keep myself from crying.

Originally, it was to keep me busy while I couldn't leave the house, because I had swine flu - now it's just to keep a blank face on.

Blank is better than tear-streaked.

I think I've made eight or nine scarves in the past week and a half or so.

I even got Stephen to attempt to knit.

It was so cute.

He was so frustrated and funny, but just so determined to try to learn how to knit.

I think he just enjoyed the fact that it was something that actually made me laugh.

I love him.

I miss writing... Actual pen-to-paper writing.

I've tried a few times lately and I just wasn't feelin' it.

It's very nice to be able to write on here from the comfort of my squishy bed instead of using the kitchen computer.

For once, I can honestly say that I cannot wait to be back in Illinois.

It feels very very strange to admit that, but it's true.

I just have to keep telling myself that spending my 21st birthday with all of my friends will make this stay out here worth it.

Random post for random thoughts, as usual.

And the most important thing to take away from this random post is that my psychiatrist can SUCK IT. =]

It's a wonderful life...

It really isn't, but it's still a great movie.
I miss my grandpa.
I miss my grandpa a lot.
I want to go home for Christmas, but I probably won't.
I just want everything to be ok.
I just want a little bit of simplicity.
WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT.

Cancer sucks.

I wish that it would leave my grandpa alone.
I either need to go visit Illinois for Christmas or pray very hard that nothing major happens to him before I'm back to Illinois in February.
*sigh*

I have a new prescription that is $450 a month... That's fun...

I'm a little sad.

Worry.

I'm suddenly worrying about the future more than usual.
I don't want to be a let-down to anyone in any way.
I'm ready for my real life to start.
It's just a shame that the things I've done and the choices that I have made have ruined many of the options that I once had.
I once had hope and that alone made many more options available to me.
I should be so much farther along in my life than I am right now, but thanks to myself, I'm far behind where I ought to be in life.

I am blessed by the people I have around me and I hate that my depression hurts them.
I hate that it makes them unhappy and that it makes them worry.
I wish that I could be better at covering up a little bit just so my loved ones wouldn't stress so much over my well-being.
It just seems so silly to me that someone should waste all that worry on me.
I want to be better for all of them more than I do for myself.

I keep trying all of these things that people suggest... That's just getting old.
I'm beginning to think that contentment is just a far-fetched fantasy.

Sidenote: Every time that I'm using Lydia's mom's laptop (like I am, right now) and the "n" doesn't work and I have to strike it extra hard... I can't help but laugh about HOW it happened.
Oh, how I miss Lydia.

Someone on television is wearing a truly hideous sweater.
I realize that that is irrelevant.

Now, I'm just typing to be typing.
I'm too lazy to write.
I'm too upset to not write SOMEHOW.
Maybe I should write a letter or type up an e-mail to everyone I know.
Except, maybe not.

I guess I'm done.

Elevation.

My stress level is is rising incredibly.
I hate it mostly because I'm not sure why it is doing so.
There needs to be some sort of answer for what is wrong with me and the fact that there isn't even an inkling is simply infuriating.

I want answers.