Frustration.

I'm supposed to be happy out here...

Clarion, PA.

I'm sitting in my hotel room in Clarion, Pennsylvania.
This town is very weird.
It looked completely normal until I walked into the Wal-Mart to grab some pajamas and found that I seemed to be the only woman not wearing a bonnet...
Also, I found it very odd that all of the team merchandise they had was for teams from three states over.
I am going to go back to waiting for my pizza and watching HBO now...

I am so very exhausted.

I spent the entire day running errands and trying to prepare for this trip.
I do not enjoy last minute things like this, especially since my car is not very reliable these days.
I really should not even be taking the time to blog right now, but I needed to just sit down and breathe for a minute.
I finally got my BlackBerry to make the audio books into playlists the way that I wanted it to. That is a minor relief, so I won't be painfully bored the entire time.
I went all over town looking for Breaking Dawn on CD because I really just do not want to wait to find out what happens.
Harry Potter all over again, much?
I am very excited to see everyone, but at the same time this whole thing is just stressing me out to the max.
It will be very weird at the house with Lydia being in Haiti and everything.
I love mom and dad reynolds to death, but it was also nice living with my bestie while I spent time out there.
Thankfully she will be home in December and I will be there to welcome her home.
I can't wait for that.
I barely get to talk to her, let alone on the phone like I normally would every single day. I never seem to be able to catch her on Skype which really bums me out.
It certainly doesn't help that the internet is crap in Haiti.
Like I said before, though, I am so very proud of her.

It will be a relief to spend more time with Stephen and to spend some time with Christopher.
I love those boys tons and lots.

I'm kind of sad that I will be missing Brittany's benefit in November. I am so worried about her and just wish that there was something that I could do to improve her circumstances.

I'm dreading the drive, tomorrow.
I do not trust my car in the least, but I got it checked out today and apparently nothing new is wrong with it.

I want to sleeeeeeeep.
RIGHT NOW.
It's too bad that I still have to pack and all that fun stuff and load my car and blah blah blah blah blah.

I could seriously use the world's biggest hug right about now.
I am beyond stressed out.
I'm not really sure why, it isn't like this is so very unusual or anything, but I've been a mess lately, anyway.

On a different note: Stephen somehow managed to get my pharmacy to give me 50% off of my prescriptions, even more on some of them.
I have no idea how he did it, but I am so very glad that he did.
My $123 prescription was only $66 thanks to whatever he did and THAT is FABULOUS.

I kind of wish that I had more to say right now, just so I could continue procrastinating like this.
I suppose I should actually make myself useful, huh?

So, here's the scoop...

I'm heading out to PA this weekend.
I will be there until sometime in January.
Maybe someday I will be able to take a trip that isn't so last minute... That would certainly be refreshing.
I do not enjoy spur of the moment trips across the country the same way that I used to, but maybe that's because they used to be spur of the moment for fun and not necessity.

My psychiatrist doubled my dosage.
One of my medicines is $123 a month and that's for the GENERIC.
She also doubled the dosage on my other medication and made it a stronger form of the medicine.
That also increased in price.

I really have a lot that I should be doing, but I am suddenly very overwhelmed.
I can't even read my own feelings right now.
I'm not upset, I'm not sad, I'm not frustrated, but I am some strange combination of all three.
That doesn't make sense, but that's as close to understanding as I can manage to get.

To do list
Change oil in car
Pack up my life again
Buy winter boots
Buy smaller jeans that actually fit me
Find laptop bag
Change windshield wipers
Buy transmission fluid
Make sure I have cash for tolls
Find fm transmitter
Possibly buy car charger for BlackBerry so I can USE fm transmitter
Kick myself for not having an iPod
Pick up prescriptions
Pray that my car doesn't blow up and my windshield doesn't shatter.
Sigh a lot

I don't know what to title this post as, but I can guarantee you that it will be mostly whining and bitching.

So as soon as I can get in to see my psychiatrist, I am headed out to Pennsylvania.

I cannot express with words how tired I am of packing up my life for months at a time.
I love Stephen and I am so happy that I am able to be there for him through this and that I will be in Pennsylvania when Lydia and Becky return from Haiti, but still...
I am so torn.
I have no idea which way "home" is anymore.
Just as soon as I start to deal in one place, something comes up and I land back in the other one.
I love all of my friends and pseudo-family in Pennsylvania very very much and I am in no way complaining about seeing them.
It is just hard to pack up and leave all of the time.
It's hard to have two bedrooms and two homes and two families and two almost entirely separate lives.
All that I am really seeking in life right now is a little stability and a little contentment.
I do not need luxury or pure happiness, just to have some kind of permanence and a little contentment.
blah blah blah, I'm a whiny little baby, the end.

Crap...

Stephen's grandmother is practically on her deathbed.
I wish I knew how to plan for a trip for this... She might live another 5 years, so going out right away wouldn't be the best idea.
I don't know what to do.

Random thoughts-

I'm glad the Phillies won last night.
One more game and we make it to the world series.

I am lonely.

I need to force myself to become social and make some friends out here.
I need to do things instead of just sitting around all of the time.

My DVD player is being a crapface.

I want a soy chai latte.

I want my DVD player to stop being a crapface now.

Robert Pattinson is gorgeous.
Mock me if you wish.

Oreos are God's gift to the sad and lonely.

Soy milk is a modern miracle.

I feel like putting stickers on my laptop and I'm not exactly sure why.

There are things I should be doing, but staying in bed all day just seems like a much better option to me.

So bummed...

Stephen left this morning.
As if his leaving wasn't bad enough, I got to deal with the delightful construction traffic on Cicero Avenue on my way home from the airport.
I absolutely cannot wait for the day when we can finally stop wondering when the next time we are going to see each other will be.
I really don't have much to write about, I just feel like I need to be writing something- getting something off of my chest. I just don't really know what it is that is ON my chest.

I miss Lydia, too.
I am so proud of her, but I so selfishly miss her.
I really hope that I get to be there the day she comes home from Haiti.
I've only gotten to talk to her twice, just on AIM.
I *did* get a decent webcam so hopefully I will catch her on skype soon.
I honestly do not think that I could do what she is doing right now.
I do not think that I could give up all of my little comforts, pack up, and leave the country to live somewhere with rats and cockroaches all over.
I'm not a strong enough person to leave everything that I know and have grown accustomed to to go and serve.
That makes me feel like a crappy person, but as much as I would like to say that I would or could go do it, I really do not think that I could.
I wish I could and I would love to, but I don't think that I could.

I miss my friends and the places that I love out in Pennsylvania.

I am worried about Stephen's grandmother.
She is not doing well at all and I really hope that nothing happens to her, before I'm able to go out and be with Stephen.
He is being so strong and trying so hard to be okay, but I really think that if anything did happen, he may easily freak and I do not want him to have to go through that on his own. He shouldn't have to and I shouldn't let him.

I was trying to sleep and I just couldn't even get close.
You can blame insomnia for this particular post.
Insomnia and the fact that I now have a laptop and didn't have to get out of bed to do this...

Hopefully I will be able to go up to Chicago and visit Ryan this weekend.
That might be some nice relief.
The city is good at that... The city and Jamba Juice, that is...

Well, I suppose that's all I've got.
Maybe there will be a round two if I still can't sleep.

So tired of this...

I am so tired of long distance.
Just because it has worked for this long, does not mean that it has gotten any easier.
I do not want Stephen to leave in the morning.
I am not used to the distance.
I am used to having someone in my bed with me, not waking up alone.
It has only been a few days, but things that make you happy take a lot less time to stick as habit.
I am not looking forward to being sad again. I've only cried three times since he's been here.
To me, that is remarkable. I have been a complete mess the past few weeks and it has been such a relief for him to be here with me. I do not want to feel like a crazy person again, just because he has to leave me in the morning. I can guarantee that I will feel remarkably low as soon as I leave the airport.
I know that he needs to go home to be with his grandmother right now, because he may not have much more time, but that does not mean that I will miraculously stop missing him whenever I am without him.
There are very few things that I am sure of in my life, but my love for him is not one of those things. He helps me, I help him, we are in love and there is absolutely no way to get around that or deny it.
He has made me such a better person. He would do anything he can for me and tries his hardest to make my dreams come true, but while he searches for those things, he misses the realization that he IS one of my wildest dreams come true. I could not ask for a better match for me.
He may not be your perfect of the ideal man, but we match so perfectly that it's crazy. We can just play a board game together and be perfectly content. It doesn't need to be something extremely exciting or extraordinary, we only need each other.
I don't know what I will do when the day comes when I have to go on without him, if it comes.
11:20 tomorrow morning is rushing its way here and I do not like it.
I do not like the way my stomach drops when I realize that his flight has taken off and I am once again alone here.
I realize I'm just throwing a pity party for myself, but I'm okay with that, right now.
I want the day to come when our families and obligations do not run our lives and we can get married and start our own life together.

On the plus side, the Phillies are kicking ass and taking names.
I hope that they make it to the World Series. That would be a delightful turn of events... Only one game away, baby.

I need to try to get myself out and making friends again.
I think that maybe I wouldn't always be such a mess if I actually got out and had some human interaction with people that aren't related to me. Maybe it would at least improve my mood part of the time, if not more than that.

I feel like I'm defective and I just wish that that would stop. I've been feeling so useless and that certainly does not help the rest of my mental well-being.

I hate that I'm constantly crying and unhappy when so many other people that I know are having much bigger issues than I am and handling it all so much better.

I guess that is all for now. I just did not want to watch Stephen pack.
Maybe he's done now...