So tired of this...

I am so tired of long distance.
Just because it has worked for this long, does not mean that it has gotten any easier.
I do not want Stephen to leave in the morning.
I am not used to the distance.
I am used to having someone in my bed with me, not waking up alone.
It has only been a few days, but things that make you happy take a lot less time to stick as habit.
I am not looking forward to being sad again. I've only cried three times since he's been here.
To me, that is remarkable. I have been a complete mess the past few weeks and it has been such a relief for him to be here with me. I do not want to feel like a crazy person again, just because he has to leave me in the morning. I can guarantee that I will feel remarkably low as soon as I leave the airport.
I know that he needs to go home to be with his grandmother right now, because he may not have much more time, but that does not mean that I will miraculously stop missing him whenever I am without him.
There are very few things that I am sure of in my life, but my love for him is not one of those things. He helps me, I help him, we are in love and there is absolutely no way to get around that or deny it.
He has made me such a better person. He would do anything he can for me and tries his hardest to make my dreams come true, but while he searches for those things, he misses the realization that he IS one of my wildest dreams come true. I could not ask for a better match for me.
He may not be your perfect of the ideal man, but we match so perfectly that it's crazy. We can just play a board game together and be perfectly content. It doesn't need to be something extremely exciting or extraordinary, we only need each other.
I don't know what I will do when the day comes when I have to go on without him, if it comes.
11:20 tomorrow morning is rushing its way here and I do not like it.
I do not like the way my stomach drops when I realize that his flight has taken off and I am once again alone here.
I realize I'm just throwing a pity party for myself, but I'm okay with that, right now.
I want the day to come when our families and obligations do not run our lives and we can get married and start our own life together.

On the plus side, the Phillies are kicking ass and taking names.
I hope that they make it to the World Series. That would be a delightful turn of events... Only one game away, baby.

I need to try to get myself out and making friends again.
I think that maybe I wouldn't always be such a mess if I actually got out and had some human interaction with people that aren't related to me. Maybe it would at least improve my mood part of the time, if not more than that.

I feel like I'm defective and I just wish that that would stop. I've been feeling so useless and that certainly does not help the rest of my mental well-being.

I hate that I'm constantly crying and unhappy when so many other people that I know are having much bigger issues than I am and handling it all so much better.

I guess that is all for now. I just did not want to watch Stephen pack.
Maybe he's done now...