How can you possibly be acting this way when, in every other situation, you insist on being a complete gentleman. I cannot even begin to understand how you are being such a jackass right now. You are being a dishonest and sneaky bastard and that is completely unacceptable.

I have never been so upset with you in our entire friendship.

I hate that you are dragging me into this.

I do not want to hear about it, because I do not want to have to choose sides when it comes crashing down.

I do not want to see it, because I do not want to be associated in any way when it hits the fan... And it *will*.

I hate that you are doing this to him behind his back and I hate that I don't have the balls to say all of this straight to your face.

I want to scream at you.

I want to tell you what a complete idiot you are for all of this.

I want to tell you what a shitty friend this makes you.

I want to tell you to knock it the fuck off, because it just is not right.

It is just something that should not be done.

There is absolutely no aspect of this that is in any way acceptable.

I will not be forced to choose sides in this no matter what happens.

I have my opinions, but they will be kept to myself.

I am not going to get into this because it is just a sinkhole to disaster and that is something and I just cannot handle right now.

As if I didn't have enough to worry about, you think that I want to hear about your sneaky and dishonest games?

Well, fuck you.

Fuck you for thinking that I would EVER be okay with any of this and fuck you for thinking that just because I've always been there that I will support you while you're being a dickfuck.

I am not going to tell you that this is okay.

I am not going to tell you that just because I knew that you liked her that it made it okay to go ahead and try to get her.

I will not be the one to make you feel like this is okay.

You may think I'm being a bitch, but I just have absolutely no desire to be the one who loses friends over this.

That is all that you are setting yourself up for, because in the BEST case scenario you will lose one of them.

In the most LIKELY scenario, you will lose BOTH of them.

I will stick to saying "gotcha" and "I see", but you will get nothing more out of me.

I warned you from the start that none of this could lead to any good and you did not listen to me, so now it is all on you.

I am not going to save you when you're ship is sinking on this one.

I love you, but I'm just not.

You are being a huge ass and I am so mad at you that I can't even believe it.

I can't believe that it is YOU that is in this situation to begin with.

I just do not want this to end up the way that it did with them.

I do not want to sacrifice my friends over this.

It is shaping up to seem like that is precisely what is going to happen and I am already not okay and I already have enough to worry about without worrying about which one of you I am going to lose.

I don't want to start a war.

I don't want to be in the war that is most likely going to occur.

I just don't want any of it.

I know that this is all incredibly redundant, but that is another reason why I kind of love that no one reads my blog.

On another note, I am not ready to go back to Illinois on monday.

I lose a little piece of me every time I have to pack up my life and go back to the other "home" of mine.

No one seems to realize what a strain that can be on someone's sanity.

No one seems to care that I can't handle my life when nothing is going wrong and that I am clearly unbalanced to begin with.

I can't keep making everyone happy forever.

I need to learn to speak up and stand up for myself.

Some decisions need to start being made very soon, because I can't keep going on like this for much longer.

I can't just spend four months in one place and then go back and pretend like it doesn't kill me to do so.

I can't just leave the place where my entire social life resides and go back to the place where I have no real friends and no one that I can truly trust.

That shit hurts.

It hurts like a bitch and I wish that in some way you people could realize that.

It is not easy for me.

It is not easy for me to pack up my life time and time again and keep this cycle going.

I realize full-well that a lot of this is my own fault for mistakes that I have made in the past, but a little extra support wouldn't kill you.

I don't know if anyone really ever takes the time to think about what a toll this takes on me.

I don't know if anyone ever considers how much I worry about my grandparents while I'm here and how much I miss having friends that love me 15 minutes away while I'm out there.

I want someone to realize how much it hurts to have your life set on two different stages and I want someone to realize that the pills everyone thinks I need to be on are not the solution to my problems.

I want people to understand that my life is currently a train wreck and no amount of drugs can change that.

I need to change that.

It is up to me.

No matter how many expensive pills they shove down my uninsured throat, I am still going to be in pain, because I have absolutely no idea where it is that my life is going.

I know where I would like it to go, but that is something completely different from where it is and where it will go.

I always had so many dreams and aspirations and now most of those options are now closed doors.

The windows that opened after those doors, have now been sealed shut and I am just trying to get by the best that I can. I am certainly not doing a very good job at it.

I've gotten closer to more people out here in the past four months and that is making my trip back to Illinois on monday sound even worse.

The drives back are always the hardest, they always hurt the most, and they always take the most out of me.

I am more than grateful for the life that I have been blessed with, because I know that I have many people that love me, but at the same time... I just can't seem to accept the fact that it has to be in two different states with 800 miles lying in between.

Sometimes I wish that I would never have started coming out here.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't.

I wonder if things would have happened the way that I had planned for them to if I hadn't.

I just can't help but wonder when all of this hurts so much.

I have family that I love in one state and an entire life full of people that I love in another and I just don't know which way to go.

There are so many things that need to be done and fixed before I feel I will be prepared to be married.

I am not going to be the person who gets married on a whim just because the ring is on my finger.

I love him, but I also know that he loves me and that means he will respect what I need to do.

I don't care about the people that don't take our engagement seriously, just because we don't have a date set.

We may take another couple of years to get married, but at least we will be prepared.

At least we are wise enough to admit that we are NOT wise enough to be married.

We have a lot of things to work on before that can happen and I'm just not sure that that can happen while we are in different states anymore.

The problem with that is, if I pull him to Illinois, he has no one and will be miserable and will resent me, whether he admits it or not.

If I come out here for good, I cannot stand to be away from my grandparents like that.

If something were to happen to them, I would feel monumentally guilty.

I need to grow up.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE PART OF THIS!

STOP TELLING ME ABOUT IT!

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!

I hate it when I feel close to people and am not sure if they feel the same.

I want to help her feel better, but I can't do anything if she's shutting everyone out.

I wish there was a way that I could do something for her without actually having to go to her.

She deserves a life better than the one she has.

I just pray and pray and pray that she doesn't do anything stupid.

I want to go to Haiti.

I want to help those people.

I just wish I had the means to go.

*sigh*

I am so frustrated and I am so upset.

I am being childish and selfish and that only exacerbates the issue.

I am mad at him for leaving me behind, for forgetting that we were best friends.

I am mad at him for promising that things would not change and then changing everything.

I am mad at him for making me so mad at him.

I am mad at him for still getting under my skin this long after.

It is people like him that make me scared to lose the ones I love.

I am not upset with him because of the things the other one did to me and then left.

This is a situation all its own and the two are in no way related.

I have tried time and time again to be the bigger person.

I have apologized time and time again for things that I didn't even do.

I need to let go of this and stop letting it get to me from time to time.

It is not healthy and is only going to continue to cause me pain, because he will never change back into the friend that he was.

It is so stupid that I feel like he broke up with me when he was only a friend, but it feels almost like the same kind of betrayal.

It feels like I shared my heart with him and he took advantage of that in the end.

He took advantage of my relationship with her, too.

He is him, and at the same time, he is nothing like him.

He is the reason that I'm so upset about this looming possibility between them.

I do not want to lose a best friend again, because frankly, I can't deal with that right now.

I'm glad that no one reads this, because I'm completely ashamed of how selfish all of this sounds, but that just doesn't matter right now.

I just want this all out of me.

I want it out of me forever and if I can't do that right now, I can at least vent all of my frustrations here.

Back to Illinois on monday...

I'm not ready.

I'm never ready.

I'm never ready to go back to the place where I am constantly miserable and alone.

I just wish that I knew what to do without hurting someone's feelings along the way.

It seems that there is no option that can offer that outcome.

I just want to be content and be able to have a plan for once.

I have gone from place to place and from home to home and from family member to family member all my life and now I am just too fed up with it to keep going, yet I have no choice.

I cannot wait until the day that I feel useful and like I have a real purpose.

I cannot wait until the day that I don't have to split my heart between two different homes.

I cannot wait until the day that I am able to have a life of my own and stop living for everyone else, no matter how much I love them.

I just want to stop.

I want to stop in one place and I want to stay there.

I want to feel complete in one place.

I want to stop floating through life.

I want to sink into my place.

I loves making people happy.

I hate line dancing.

"Hey, honey... Wanna come home with me and save a horse?"

*vomitvomitvomit*

Here I am, use me.

Perks.

"I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I'd do anything not to be this way. I'd do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being 'passive aggressive.' And to not have to take the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things.

I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big."

--The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I'm not so sick today like I was yesterday, which is good.

I got to eat and so far I've been able to keep it down, which is a magical sensation when you haven't eaten for a day and a half.

I love tea.

I also love rereading books that all of my friends have highlighted in, which is something that I am about to do right now.

Over.

So the funeral is over.

I cried pretty much the entire time, though a small portion of that was anxiety from tons of people that I didn't know hugging me as they went down the line of family.

I'm sick as hell, which did not help. I couldn't even go to the luncheon and I feel terrible for that. At least I made it through the burial, which I didn't think that I could do due to the lack of bathrooms in cemeteries.

I am going to miss Nuna so very much.

*sigh*

Whiiiiine

The funeral is in the morning.

It is going to be such a long day and I am no where near prepared enough to handle it.

First is the viewing, then the funeral, then the burial, then a luncheon at church.

Long long long long day.

I'm going to be a wreck all throughout it and I'm probably going to continue to be a wreck after it.

I've been trying to figure out how to prepare myself for this, but I just can't seem to.

I've had friends pass away and I've made it through those trials, but this is someone that accepted me into her family right away and someone that meant the world to people that I love very much.

I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and try my hardest to stay strong throughout the course of events tomorrow.

It would be so much easier if it were broken up into pieces, instead of one big long ordeal...

Ugh, I disgust myself with how selfish this post sounds.

blah.

My heart is breaking for Haiti.

It is insane to think that Lydia could have been there and could have died if she had not come home from Haiti, after four months, in December.

I am so grateful that she is here and that she is safe.

I just pray that we hear from her dear friends there soon and that they are okay.

We've heard from some, but not all.

I can see that it is really eating her up and I wish that there was something that I could do to make it even a little bit easier on her.

I really hope that we get through to Elage soon, she seems most worried about him and his safety.

I feel sick.

I can't tell if it's just from the nerves I have about the funeral or if I'm actually getting sick, due to the lovely flu pukey thingy that's been spreading through the house.

If tomorrow could be over... That would be simply marvelous.

I'm not dealing so well with the loss, but I'm trying and they tell me that that's what counts.

The funeral is friday and that is going to be tough. No duh, right?

Nuna passed...

How can something I've been asking God to happen (to end her suffering), hurt so damn much?

*sigh*

I had a very bad meltdown today in church.

I had to run out and hide in my car.

Even then, I couldn't regain my composure and I didn't have any xanax or klonopin with me, so I had to go home.

It was very bad.

It was even worse when it turned into a panic attack.

*sigh*

So sick of all of everything...

<333333333333

Family time.

I love it when all of the Reynolds family is in one place.

It is such great fun.

I miss my grandpa.

So much...

I know, that's getting redundant.

Nuna still hasn't passed, but now I feel like hell because she's obviously suffering even though she can't speak to say so.

*sigh*

I'm exhausted.

So, Nuna will be passing any minute now.

I haven't quite accepted the reality of things yet.

I don't want to admit that she is dying.

I don't want to have to have the family go through the pain of it.

I just wish it weren't happening, period.

I know that death is part of life, but that reality doesn't make the deaths we experience any easier.

I need a hug.

A giant monster hug.

Preparation.

Well, the doctors say that Nuna will be gone within 18 hours, most likely.

I'm not emotionally ready for this.

I did find a suitable outfit for the wake/funeral.

I feel like I look ridiculous in it, but hey... That's probably because it's girly.

21st birthday is the 24th and will be spent at the PigPen, hopefully with the company of my good friends.

There are so many thoughts racing through my head that I can't even organize them enough to get them all out.

I think that that is one of the most frustrating things in the world. For once, I'm really in the mood to be honest about all of my emotions and thoughts, but they just won't come out. I don't know why that is.

Time to try and get into strong mode...

Side note: Got three lessons done for Hebrews, tonight was the first one and it seemed to go okay. I hate talking in front of people, even if it's just my friends, so maybe it went a bit better than I think. I probably overshot with all of my preparations for it in attempts to make it decent.

I forgot to buy cheese.

Sleepless in... Macungie?

I couldn't sleep last night... Or this morning. Whatever.

I think that I dozed for two hours or so, but now I've just given up on trying to sleep.

It's my grandpa's birthday today and the fact that I won't see him makes me sad.

*sigh*

Waiting for someone to die feels so sick and twisted, but I'm trying to make sure that I'm at least somewhat prepared for when I get the news. I don't want to completely fall apart.

I'm getting my tattoo finished tonight. That should be fun. It should at least take my mind off of things for a little while.

Jesus night is tomorrow night and I don't have a lesson thingy done yet. I guess I should get on that.

None of these things are really related but WoW takes one million years to download and install and therefore I have some serious time to kill while things are downloading and updating and blah blah blah...

My clothes all smell fruity from the laundry soap.

So overall I smell like a vanilla fruit cup.

It is cold downstairs and my toes are turning into toe-sicles.

I really am going to miss Stephen's grandmother when she passes. I love her to pieces. She's so funny and charismatic and just a character... Or at least she was before these strokes happened.

It doesn't feel like I should be saying "Stephen's grandmother" I feel like I should be saying "my grandmother" but I only do so to differentiate between our two grandmothers.

Ugh... It's gonna be a tough funeral/wake.

I really should be cleaning but, damn't, I don't feel like it.

I have a ton of laundry that needs to be folded and put away and my room needs to be clean enough for someone else to stay in it this weekend. Eeeeeeek.

I guess I should go do something useful.

Bye, blogger, thanks for being a tool of procrastination for me this morning.

Stressed out.

Life is kind of going crazy right now.

Stephen's Grandmother is on her deathbed and it is so hard to see her like that. She is completely non-responsive and just sad-looking.

We went to the hospital yesterday and it was basically just watching someone die. It was heartbreaking and I panicked and all I could do was recoil and write until I wasn't nervous or antsy anymore.

I pray that her passing is swift and painless.

It's hard to tell whether or not she's in pain, but I very much hope that she is not. I hope that she is at least somewhat comfortable.

I lost it yesterday when the priest came in to give her her final rights.

That's when it really set in that we were going to lose her and that's when I finally started crying after trying my hardest to be strong for Stephen.

I hung out with smizzy 1 and smizzy 2 last night and I must say that those are some of my favorite nights. I love those two more than anything in the world. Good friends make everything a little bit better.

Sunday morning warning-

Do not go outside in shorts and a t-shirt when it is below freezing and there is a wind advisory...

NOW I'm awake...

Girl, Interrupted

"Crazy isn't being broken, it is you or me, amplified."

2010

It is January 1^st, the day that everyone sits around contemplating what they want to change about this year… The things they want to do differently than the last.

What about those of us that spend our entire lives doing that?

What about those of us that are never content?

What about those of us that are never happy?

Why is it that every single person thinks that it is necessary to make a resolution on this day? To make an effort on this day to change who they are?

Yes, I would very much enjoy being someone that I’m not, but why is it the norm for people to constantly want to change?

Isn’t anyone in this country happy with themselves?

Is no one okay enough to not want to change who or what they are?

Most people, on this day, will promise to lose ten pounds or will vow to eat less carbs.

What about those of us that are truly trying to fix ourselves?

What about those of us that are supposedly “broken”?

I’ve been trying to fix myself for the past six months.

I’ve been going to the psychiatrist, taking the medicines.

Those things have done nothing for me.

Those things that I have done to appease my friends and family and doctors have done nothing for me. I feel just the same.

I feel like I am more broken than I was to begin with, because of the fact that none of these things are working.

None of the things that I have typed here are what is really on my mind and really on my heart.

I feel the urge to write, but I can’t write what I want to or what I feel.

The acceptance is too much to handle, I think.

I just want to be okay and to actually feel okay.