I am so frustrated and I am so upset.

I am being childish and selfish and that only exacerbates the issue.

I am mad at him for leaving me behind, for forgetting that we were best friends.

I am mad at him for promising that things would not change and then changing everything.

I am mad at him for making me so mad at him.

I am mad at him for still getting under my skin this long after.

It is people like him that make me scared to lose the ones I love.

I am not upset with him because of the things the other one did to me and then left.

This is a situation all its own and the two are in no way related.

I have tried time and time again to be the bigger person.

I have apologized time and time again for things that I didn't even do.

I need to let go of this and stop letting it get to me from time to time.

It is not healthy and is only going to continue to cause me pain, because he will never change back into the friend that he was.

It is so stupid that I feel like he broke up with me when he was only a friend, but it feels almost like the same kind of betrayal.

It feels like I shared my heart with him and he took advantage of that in the end.

He took advantage of my relationship with her, too.

He is him, and at the same time, he is nothing like him.

He is the reason that I'm so upset about this looming possibility between them.

I do not want to lose a best friend again, because frankly, I can't deal with that right now.

I'm glad that no one reads this, because I'm completely ashamed of how selfish all of this sounds, but that just doesn't matter right now.

I just want this all out of me.

I want it out of me forever and if I can't do that right now, I can at least vent all of my frustrations here.

Back to Illinois on monday...

I'm not ready.

I'm never ready.

I'm never ready to go back to the place where I am constantly miserable and alone.

I just wish that I knew what to do without hurting someone's feelings along the way.

It seems that there is no option that can offer that outcome.

I just want to be content and be able to have a plan for once.

I have gone from place to place and from home to home and from family member to family member all my life and now I am just too fed up with it to keep going, yet I have no choice.

I cannot wait until the day that I feel useful and like I have a real purpose.

I cannot wait until the day that I don't have to split my heart between two different homes.

I cannot wait until the day that I am able to have a life of my own and stop living for everyone else, no matter how much I love them.

I just want to stop.

I want to stop in one place and I want to stay there.

I want to feel complete in one place.

I want to stop floating through life.

I want to sink into my place.