How can you possibly be acting this way when, in every other situation, you insist on being a complete gentleman. I cannot even begin to understand how you are being such a jackass right now. You are being a dishonest and sneaky bastard and that is completely unacceptable.

I have never been so upset with you in our entire friendship.

I hate that you are dragging me into this.

I do not want to hear about it, because I do not want to have to choose sides when it comes crashing down.

I do not want to see it, because I do not want to be associated in any way when it hits the fan... And it *will*.

I hate that you are doing this to him behind his back and I hate that I don't have the balls to say all of this straight to your face.

I want to scream at you.

I want to tell you what a complete idiot you are for all of this.

I want to tell you what a shitty friend this makes you.

I want to tell you to knock it the fuck off, because it just is not right.

It is just something that should not be done.

There is absolutely no aspect of this that is in any way acceptable.

I will not be forced to choose sides in this no matter what happens.

I have my opinions, but they will be kept to myself.

I am not going to get into this because it is just a sinkhole to disaster and that is something and I just cannot handle right now.

As if I didn't have enough to worry about, you think that I want to hear about your sneaky and dishonest games?

Well, fuck you.

Fuck you for thinking that I would EVER be okay with any of this and fuck you for thinking that just because I've always been there that I will support you while you're being a dickfuck.

I am not going to tell you that this is okay.

I am not going to tell you that just because I knew that you liked her that it made it okay to go ahead and try to get her.

I will not be the one to make you feel like this is okay.

You may think I'm being a bitch, but I just have absolutely no desire to be the one who loses friends over this.

That is all that you are setting yourself up for, because in the BEST case scenario you will lose one of them.

In the most LIKELY scenario, you will lose BOTH of them.

I will stick to saying "gotcha" and "I see", but you will get nothing more out of me.

I warned you from the start that none of this could lead to any good and you did not listen to me, so now it is all on you.

I am not going to save you when you're ship is sinking on this one.

I love you, but I'm just not.

You are being a huge ass and I am so mad at you that I can't even believe it.

I can't believe that it is YOU that is in this situation to begin with.

I just do not want this to end up the way that it did with them.

I do not want to sacrifice my friends over this.

It is shaping up to seem like that is precisely what is going to happen and I am already not okay and I already have enough to worry about without worrying about which one of you I am going to lose.

I don't want to start a war.

I don't want to be in the war that is most likely going to occur.

I just don't want any of it.

I know that this is all incredibly redundant, but that is another reason why I kind of love that no one reads my blog.

On another note, I am not ready to go back to Illinois on monday.

I lose a little piece of me every time I have to pack up my life and go back to the other "home" of mine.

No one seems to realize what a strain that can be on someone's sanity.

No one seems to care that I can't handle my life when nothing is going wrong and that I am clearly unbalanced to begin with.

I can't keep making everyone happy forever.

I need to learn to speak up and stand up for myself.

Some decisions need to start being made very soon, because I can't keep going on like this for much longer.

I can't just spend four months in one place and then go back and pretend like it doesn't kill me to do so.

I can't just leave the place where my entire social life resides and go back to the place where I have no real friends and no one that I can truly trust.

That shit hurts.

It hurts like a bitch and I wish that in some way you people could realize that.

It is not easy for me.

It is not easy for me to pack up my life time and time again and keep this cycle going.

I realize full-well that a lot of this is my own fault for mistakes that I have made in the past, but a little extra support wouldn't kill you.

I don't know if anyone really ever takes the time to think about what a toll this takes on me.

I don't know if anyone ever considers how much I worry about my grandparents while I'm here and how much I miss having friends that love me 15 minutes away while I'm out there.

I want someone to realize how much it hurts to have your life set on two different stages and I want someone to realize that the pills everyone thinks I need to be on are not the solution to my problems.

I want people to understand that my life is currently a train wreck and no amount of drugs can change that.

I need to change that.

It is up to me.

No matter how many expensive pills they shove down my uninsured throat, I am still going to be in pain, because I have absolutely no idea where it is that my life is going.

I know where I would like it to go, but that is something completely different from where it is and where it will go.

I always had so many dreams and aspirations and now most of those options are now closed doors.

The windows that opened after those doors, have now been sealed shut and I am just trying to get by the best that I can. I am certainly not doing a very good job at it.

I've gotten closer to more people out here in the past four months and that is making my trip back to Illinois on monday sound even worse.

The drives back are always the hardest, they always hurt the most, and they always take the most out of me.

I am more than grateful for the life that I have been blessed with, because I know that I have many people that love me, but at the same time... I just can't seem to accept the fact that it has to be in two different states with 800 miles lying in between.

Sometimes I wish that I would never have started coming out here.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't.

I wonder if things would have happened the way that I had planned for them to if I hadn't.

I just can't help but wonder when all of this hurts so much.

I have family that I love in one state and an entire life full of people that I love in another and I just don't know which way to go.

There are so many things that need to be done and fixed before I feel I will be prepared to be married.

I am not going to be the person who gets married on a whim just because the ring is on my finger.

I love him, but I also know that he loves me and that means he will respect what I need to do.

I don't care about the people that don't take our engagement seriously, just because we don't have a date set.

We may take another couple of years to get married, but at least we will be prepared.

At least we are wise enough to admit that we are NOT wise enough to be married.

We have a lot of things to work on before that can happen and I'm just not sure that that can happen while we are in different states anymore.

The problem with that is, if I pull him to Illinois, he has no one and will be miserable and will resent me, whether he admits it or not.

If I come out here for good, I cannot stand to be away from my grandparents like that.

If something were to happen to them, I would feel monumentally guilty.

I need to grow up.