Solitude

Sometimes that's all you really need.

I'm staying the night at a friend's apartment while she's out partying for new year's.

I just wanted some complete solitude to think things over and do some writing.

I just think that if I'm alone for a while it will significantly improve my mood.

I have so much going on in my life that my brain can no longer process all of it, so I just need to force myself to get it alllllll out of there.

I need to convince myself that my emotions are okay and that they aren't ENTIRELY uncalled for and that life might work out some way someday.

Hebrews.

I am going to attempt to write a Bible study for the book of Hebrews.

Wish me luck.

So...

No new car, but that's ok.

I wasn't really getting my hopes up too high.

I knew that there had to be a catch and the catch was that it was too picked over when I got there.

I got some new ink last night and I am in love with it.

I am really missing my grandpa.

He's getting out of the hospital today and going to the nursing home.

That makes me feel a tiny bit better, but still missing him.

At least I got the tattoo that I've always wanted to get that means a lot to me because of him.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about a lot of things right now, but I am starting to be okay with that.

I'm starting to accept that nothing is certain and nothing ever stays the same forever.

Life and death are inevitable and there is nothing that I can do about that, either.

I am very much looking forward to fake Christmas on the 9th.

At least I know I'll still be here for that.

I need to be able to write like I used to.

Blogging just isn't the same release as a pen to paper is.

Other tattoo from last night, not finished yet:

I might...

...be getting a new car.

Hallelujah.

I hope this works, but if it doesn't, at least my car isn't dead dead.

Decisions, decisions...

I have so much thinking to do right now.

I have so many things pulling me in so many directions.

I need to start taking action and making decisions.

"It is Well"

Another day staring out the window

searching for the slightest glimpse of sun.

Another night, curled up, all alone,

waiting for a sign.

What hurts the most is knowing that

you could have stopped him.

One wave of your mighty hand and I

would not be here.

And I don't understand why you let this happen.

And through it all, you tell me that I do not have to fear.

But trust in You is hard to find when nothing is safe and nothing is clear.

Tell me once again that you will be my healer.

Tell me once again.

Tell me once again that You can take my pain.

Tell me once again that You hold my world in Your hands.

So I can say...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Another day, staring in the mirror,

wondering how You can love me.

Can You not see the shame that's suffocating me?

What hurts the most is that I don't know how to heal.

And some days You feel so far away.

I don't know who I am or what You're seeing in me.

And I don't know how to walk by faith,

Will you show me the way?

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

-Kasee Caracci, my dear dear friend.

Random thoughts again...

I've been thinking about my church here in Pennsylvania.

I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore.

They try so hard, but I'm just not sure that all of the hearts are in it.

I am certainly not one to judge, but it just seems like some people are caring more about the show of the service than the meaning of the service.

I saw Zing today.

It sent me into a panic attack.

The ending of our friendship broke my heart and almost felt like a breakup.

That sounds so stupid, but it's just the best way I can explain it.

I feel so stupid for all of this crap.

SO stupid.

I just wish things had not happened the way they did.

So much for promises, huh?

Homesick homesick homesick.

Stupid tibia

I bruised my tibia.

I love falling down the stairs.

I have a stupid knee brace until they get the right size knee immobilizer in stock.

I'm not sure how my tibia is affecting my knee so much, but it is certainly killer.

I was pretty bummed on Christmas.

I feel like I should have been there, seeing as it was most likely my grandfather's last one with us.

I was still pretty torn up about it yesterday, but what's done is done.

It's too late now, but I suppose that maybe that is why it's even harder.

I'm just so homesick that every little thing is getting to me.

Even the thought of having my 21st birthday out here with my friends hasn't been enough to improve my mood.

If it wouldn't upset Stephen so much, I would probably go home right now.

He really needs me right now and I need to be here for him.

I am tired of crying.

Gahhhhh...

Hot chocolate coffee.

My favorite thing this morning is putting hot cocoa mix into my coffee.

That is one of my favorite things all of the time, but this morning it is my very favorite thing, because I'm freezing my tooshy off.

I've never had a Christmas that I didn't celebrate with my grandparents.

This will be the first one.

I miss them.

I want to go home, but I don't want to miss my birthday out here with my friends.

I'm going to watch White Christmas and drink my cocoa coffee.

Frustration

I am so stressed out about not being home right now.

I want to be there for my family during this difficult time.

I know that I could be of service somehow and that they are only telling me that it's ok because they want me to be happy, but I can't help but feel useless out here.

My grandpa is back into the hospital and will not be returning home.

They are going to put him into a nursing home right after the hospital.

I hate this.

I hate cancer.

I have too much hate in me.

I need more hope and faith in me, instead.

Home alone.

So I got to spend one whole day with Lydia before she had to start touring the family.

It is so nice to have her back, I just wish that I knew what I could do to make the transition a little bit easier on her.

I know that she's happy to be home, but it is still going to be very hard for her.

I'm home alone for most of today, most of tomorrow, and on christmas eve and christmas, though I do have plans to spend those days with Stephen's family.

I guess I could just go out.

I think I would rather stay inside the warm house, and knit or read or play on my new computer.

Blah. I need to go take my medicine.

This post brought to you by:

My brand new MacBook.

I adore it.

Lydia is home from Haiti safely which is a huge blessing.

I am very close to strangling my psychiatrist for being so full of shit.

You don't prescribe someone a $450 prescription and then have them stop taking it and replace it with another just a week later.

I should bronze those last 20 pills... That's $300 that only the lovely people that produce Abilify will ever see again. I digested the other $150 in teeny tiny pills.

Too bad they don't even have street value (just kidding, promise).

I am increasingly worried about my grandfather.

I think that a large part of it is that all of my cousins are worrying, too.

I'm angry at cancer and illness in general.

I have been knitting scarves for some organization Lydia's mom found to keep myself from crying.

Originally, it was to keep me busy while I couldn't leave the house, because I had swine flu - now it's just to keep a blank face on.

Blank is better than tear-streaked.

I think I've made eight or nine scarves in the past week and a half or so.

I even got Stephen to attempt to knit.

It was so cute.

He was so frustrated and funny, but just so determined to try to learn how to knit.

I think he just enjoyed the fact that it was something that actually made me laugh.

I love him.

I miss writing... Actual pen-to-paper writing.

I've tried a few times lately and I just wasn't feelin' it.

It's very nice to be able to write on here from the comfort of my squishy bed instead of using the kitchen computer.

For once, I can honestly say that I cannot wait to be back in Illinois.

It feels very very strange to admit that, but it's true.

I just have to keep telling myself that spending my 21st birthday with all of my friends will make this stay out here worth it.

Random post for random thoughts, as usual.

And the most important thing to take away from this random post is that my psychiatrist can SUCK IT. =]

It's a wonderful life...

It really isn't, but it's still a great movie.
I miss my grandpa.
I miss my grandpa a lot.
I want to go home for Christmas, but I probably won't.
I just want everything to be ok.
I just want a little bit of simplicity.
WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT.

Cancer sucks.

I wish that it would leave my grandpa alone.
I either need to go visit Illinois for Christmas or pray very hard that nothing major happens to him before I'm back to Illinois in February.
*sigh*

I have a new prescription that is $450 a month... That's fun...

I'm a little sad.

Worry.

I'm suddenly worrying about the future more than usual.
I don't want to be a let-down to anyone in any way.
I'm ready for my real life to start.
It's just a shame that the things I've done and the choices that I have made have ruined many of the options that I once had.
I once had hope and that alone made many more options available to me.
I should be so much farther along in my life than I am right now, but thanks to myself, I'm far behind where I ought to be in life.

I am blessed by the people I have around me and I hate that my depression hurts them.
I hate that it makes them unhappy and that it makes them worry.
I wish that I could be better at covering up a little bit just so my loved ones wouldn't stress so much over my well-being.
It just seems so silly to me that someone should waste all that worry on me.
I want to be better for all of them more than I do for myself.

I keep trying all of these things that people suggest... That's just getting old.
I'm beginning to think that contentment is just a far-fetched fantasy.

Sidenote: Every time that I'm using Lydia's mom's laptop (like I am, right now) and the "n" doesn't work and I have to strike it extra hard... I can't help but laugh about HOW it happened.
Oh, how I miss Lydia.

Someone on television is wearing a truly hideous sweater.
I realize that that is irrelevant.

Now, I'm just typing to be typing.
I'm too lazy to write.
I'm too upset to not write SOMEHOW.
Maybe I should write a letter or type up an e-mail to everyone I know.
Except, maybe not.

I guess I'm done.

Elevation.

My stress level is is rising incredibly.
I hate it mostly because I'm not sure why it is doing so.
There needs to be some sort of answer for what is wrong with me and the fact that there isn't even an inkling is simply infuriating.

I want answers.

I have decided that...

I need to be not-poor.

Bittersweet.

I am very happy that Mandee is followig her heart and going to Bismarck to be with Rick, but at the same time... It is so very hard for me to make girlfriends.
I usually just can't stand girls but Mandee and I just clicked right away and that was so nice and refreshing. I already feel like she's one of my best friends.
Blah.
The end.

Stressing.

I am so tired of having all of these issues.
Thank God for the people that have been nice enough to not let me be alone all week long.
There has only been one night this week that I have slept alone and I am so thankful for that.
I am kind of missing Illinois, but at the same time, I would constantly be alone out there and I don't think that I could handle that right now.

I'm tired of having money issues and I am tired of the fact that money always has to rule the freaking world.
Life would be a whole lot simpler if it weren't for money.

My new dosage of meds is completely kicking my ass and that is driving me crazy.
I've been sleeping constantly and I hate it.

I hate chinese war movies.
They always bore me.

K. That's all for now, I guess.

So tired...

Black Friday kicked my butt.
However, I did get my Nikon mad cheap.
The lovely people of Target were kind enough to brew and hand out coffee to those of us that braved the cold night to wait in line to get the best deals.
Chik-Fil-A failed and ended up not being allowed to sell their sandwiches to people in line, so we also got free Chik-Fil-A breakfast sandwiches. Yummmm.

I got a couple of other bargains, but nothing too exciting.
I can't really afford to spend an entire day shopping, so I just spent an entire day window shopping.
One traumatic evening this week, though that requires no public details.
I really should be sleeping.

I have to take Kasee to work at 6:00 AM.
Ouch.

My ankle seems to be better for the most part.

I hate my medicines.

I miss Illinois.

I miss my grandparents.

I want to go home, now...

Thanksgiving.

I am not only thankful when Thanksgiving rolls around.
It just seems the appropriate time to talk about it excessively, thank you very much.

Anyway- Slept all day today, thanks to a painful ankle. I'm awesome for being able to injure myself while tripping up the stairs.

Took a Wawa thanksgiving to Christopher so he didn't have to completely miss his favorite holiday just because he wasn't feeling well.

I'm missing Illinois right now.
I do not want to be away from my grandfather after finding out he may have very little time left with us here on earth.
Stay where I'm needed or go where I *want* to be?
Decisions, decisions...

I am so very angry with my psychiatrist for the situation I had to deal with the other day.
That should not have happened.
You do not leave someone you consider a "serious case" with no options or answers when you know you are supposed to be treating them across the country. Being on vacation is no excuse for having no one to cover your patients.
I thought that was why I paid so much money to see her...
"Top therapist in the area" my ass.

I really wish that my laptop would come to life long enough for me to get the things I need off of it. That would be one huge stress factor dealt with.
I don't so much care if the stupid thing dies as long as I can get my stuff off of it.

Gluten-free gingersnaps are delicious.
^That is a true statement.

This is a completely random post.
Good thing no one reads it. =]




I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life.

I feel like I should be blogging right now, so here it is.
Things are going OK.
I am no better and no worse than when I left Illinois.
I get Kasee tonight.
The end.

Frustration.

I'm supposed to be happy out here...

Clarion, PA.

I'm sitting in my hotel room in Clarion, Pennsylvania.
This town is very weird.
It looked completely normal until I walked into the Wal-Mart to grab some pajamas and found that I seemed to be the only woman not wearing a bonnet...
Also, I found it very odd that all of the team merchandise they had was for teams from three states over.
I am going to go back to waiting for my pizza and watching HBO now...

I am so very exhausted.

I spent the entire day running errands and trying to prepare for this trip.
I do not enjoy last minute things like this, especially since my car is not very reliable these days.
I really should not even be taking the time to blog right now, but I needed to just sit down and breathe for a minute.
I finally got my BlackBerry to make the audio books into playlists the way that I wanted it to. That is a minor relief, so I won't be painfully bored the entire time.
I went all over town looking for Breaking Dawn on CD because I really just do not want to wait to find out what happens.
Harry Potter all over again, much?
I am very excited to see everyone, but at the same time this whole thing is just stressing me out to the max.
It will be very weird at the house with Lydia being in Haiti and everything.
I love mom and dad reynolds to death, but it was also nice living with my bestie while I spent time out there.
Thankfully she will be home in December and I will be there to welcome her home.
I can't wait for that.
I barely get to talk to her, let alone on the phone like I normally would every single day. I never seem to be able to catch her on Skype which really bums me out.
It certainly doesn't help that the internet is crap in Haiti.
Like I said before, though, I am so very proud of her.

It will be a relief to spend more time with Stephen and to spend some time with Christopher.
I love those boys tons and lots.

I'm kind of sad that I will be missing Brittany's benefit in November. I am so worried about her and just wish that there was something that I could do to improve her circumstances.

I'm dreading the drive, tomorrow.
I do not trust my car in the least, but I got it checked out today and apparently nothing new is wrong with it.

I want to sleeeeeeeep.
RIGHT NOW.
It's too bad that I still have to pack and all that fun stuff and load my car and blah blah blah blah blah.

I could seriously use the world's biggest hug right about now.
I am beyond stressed out.
I'm not really sure why, it isn't like this is so very unusual or anything, but I've been a mess lately, anyway.

On a different note: Stephen somehow managed to get my pharmacy to give me 50% off of my prescriptions, even more on some of them.
I have no idea how he did it, but I am so very glad that he did.
My $123 prescription was only $66 thanks to whatever he did and THAT is FABULOUS.

I kind of wish that I had more to say right now, just so I could continue procrastinating like this.
I suppose I should actually make myself useful, huh?

So, here's the scoop...

I'm heading out to PA this weekend.
I will be there until sometime in January.
Maybe someday I will be able to take a trip that isn't so last minute... That would certainly be refreshing.
I do not enjoy spur of the moment trips across the country the same way that I used to, but maybe that's because they used to be spur of the moment for fun and not necessity.

My psychiatrist doubled my dosage.
One of my medicines is $123 a month and that's for the GENERIC.
She also doubled the dosage on my other medication and made it a stronger form of the medicine.
That also increased in price.

I really have a lot that I should be doing, but I am suddenly very overwhelmed.
I can't even read my own feelings right now.
I'm not upset, I'm not sad, I'm not frustrated, but I am some strange combination of all three.
That doesn't make sense, but that's as close to understanding as I can manage to get.

To do list
Change oil in car
Pack up my life again
Buy winter boots
Buy smaller jeans that actually fit me
Find laptop bag
Change windshield wipers
Buy transmission fluid
Make sure I have cash for tolls
Find fm transmitter
Possibly buy car charger for BlackBerry so I can USE fm transmitter
Kick myself for not having an iPod
Pick up prescriptions
Pray that my car doesn't blow up and my windshield doesn't shatter.
Sigh a lot

I don't know what to title this post as, but I can guarantee you that it will be mostly whining and bitching.

So as soon as I can get in to see my psychiatrist, I am headed out to Pennsylvania.

I cannot express with words how tired I am of packing up my life for months at a time.
I love Stephen and I am so happy that I am able to be there for him through this and that I will be in Pennsylvania when Lydia and Becky return from Haiti, but still...
I am so torn.
I have no idea which way "home" is anymore.
Just as soon as I start to deal in one place, something comes up and I land back in the other one.
I love all of my friends and pseudo-family in Pennsylvania very very much and I am in no way complaining about seeing them.
It is just hard to pack up and leave all of the time.
It's hard to have two bedrooms and two homes and two families and two almost entirely separate lives.
All that I am really seeking in life right now is a little stability and a little contentment.
I do not need luxury or pure happiness, just to have some kind of permanence and a little contentment.
blah blah blah, I'm a whiny little baby, the end.

Crap...

Stephen's grandmother is practically on her deathbed.
I wish I knew how to plan for a trip for this... She might live another 5 years, so going out right away wouldn't be the best idea.
I don't know what to do.

Random thoughts-

I'm glad the Phillies won last night.
One more game and we make it to the world series.

I am lonely.

I need to force myself to become social and make some friends out here.
I need to do things instead of just sitting around all of the time.

My DVD player is being a crapface.

I want a soy chai latte.

I want my DVD player to stop being a crapface now.

Robert Pattinson is gorgeous.
Mock me if you wish.

Oreos are God's gift to the sad and lonely.

Soy milk is a modern miracle.

I feel like putting stickers on my laptop and I'm not exactly sure why.

There are things I should be doing, but staying in bed all day just seems like a much better option to me.

So bummed...

Stephen left this morning.
As if his leaving wasn't bad enough, I got to deal with the delightful construction traffic on Cicero Avenue on my way home from the airport.
I absolutely cannot wait for the day when we can finally stop wondering when the next time we are going to see each other will be.
I really don't have much to write about, I just feel like I need to be writing something- getting something off of my chest. I just don't really know what it is that is ON my chest.

I miss Lydia, too.
I am so proud of her, but I so selfishly miss her.
I really hope that I get to be there the day she comes home from Haiti.
I've only gotten to talk to her twice, just on AIM.
I *did* get a decent webcam so hopefully I will catch her on skype soon.
I honestly do not think that I could do what she is doing right now.
I do not think that I could give up all of my little comforts, pack up, and leave the country to live somewhere with rats and cockroaches all over.
I'm not a strong enough person to leave everything that I know and have grown accustomed to to go and serve.
That makes me feel like a crappy person, but as much as I would like to say that I would or could go do it, I really do not think that I could.
I wish I could and I would love to, but I don't think that I could.

I miss my friends and the places that I love out in Pennsylvania.

I am worried about Stephen's grandmother.
She is not doing well at all and I really hope that nothing happens to her, before I'm able to go out and be with Stephen.
He is being so strong and trying so hard to be okay, but I really think that if anything did happen, he may easily freak and I do not want him to have to go through that on his own. He shouldn't have to and I shouldn't let him.

I was trying to sleep and I just couldn't even get close.
You can blame insomnia for this particular post.
Insomnia and the fact that I now have a laptop and didn't have to get out of bed to do this...

Hopefully I will be able to go up to Chicago and visit Ryan this weekend.
That might be some nice relief.
The city is good at that... The city and Jamba Juice, that is...

Well, I suppose that's all I've got.
Maybe there will be a round two if I still can't sleep.

So tired of this...

I am so tired of long distance.
Just because it has worked for this long, does not mean that it has gotten any easier.
I do not want Stephen to leave in the morning.
I am not used to the distance.
I am used to having someone in my bed with me, not waking up alone.
It has only been a few days, but things that make you happy take a lot less time to stick as habit.
I am not looking forward to being sad again. I've only cried three times since he's been here.
To me, that is remarkable. I have been a complete mess the past few weeks and it has been such a relief for him to be here with me. I do not want to feel like a crazy person again, just because he has to leave me in the morning. I can guarantee that I will feel remarkably low as soon as I leave the airport.
I know that he needs to go home to be with his grandmother right now, because he may not have much more time, but that does not mean that I will miraculously stop missing him whenever I am without him.
There are very few things that I am sure of in my life, but my love for him is not one of those things. He helps me, I help him, we are in love and there is absolutely no way to get around that or deny it.
He has made me such a better person. He would do anything he can for me and tries his hardest to make my dreams come true, but while he searches for those things, he misses the realization that he IS one of my wildest dreams come true. I could not ask for a better match for me.
He may not be your perfect of the ideal man, but we match so perfectly that it's crazy. We can just play a board game together and be perfectly content. It doesn't need to be something extremely exciting or extraordinary, we only need each other.
I don't know what I will do when the day comes when I have to go on without him, if it comes.
11:20 tomorrow morning is rushing its way here and I do not like it.
I do not like the way my stomach drops when I realize that his flight has taken off and I am once again alone here.
I realize I'm just throwing a pity party for myself, but I'm okay with that, right now.
I want the day to come when our families and obligations do not run our lives and we can get married and start our own life together.

On the plus side, the Phillies are kicking ass and taking names.
I hope that they make it to the World Series. That would be a delightful turn of events... Only one game away, baby.

I need to try to get myself out and making friends again.
I think that maybe I wouldn't always be such a mess if I actually got out and had some human interaction with people that aren't related to me. Maybe it would at least improve my mood part of the time, if not more than that.

I feel like I'm defective and I just wish that that would stop. I've been feeling so useless and that certainly does not help the rest of my mental well-being.

I hate that I'm constantly crying and unhappy when so many other people that I know are having much bigger issues than I am and handling it all so much better.

I guess that is all for now. I just did not want to watch Stephen pack.
Maybe he's done now...

I seriously need the world's biggest hug.

This week has sucked so hard...

I am so sick of people telling me what I *need* to do.
I am twenty years old and if I choose not to go to the psychiatrist and to cancel the appointments, that is what I am going to do.
I do not want to be on meds that make me a walking tremor if I miss just ONE day.
That is the case even though I am on the equivalent of a child's dose.
All a psychiatrist is going to do is feed me some psychobabble and up my dosage and make me go to a therapist (which is something I am absolutely not willing to do, ever).
The meds never work and the only reason I ever went on them the first time and the times after, was because my family told me to.
I know that I am sad.
I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me that.

Perfection

Yesterday was wonderful.
Painted pottery with the fiance, went to a candy shop, went thrifting and randomly wandering around Kutztown.
It was a delightful day, followed up by a nice dinner and a trip to Starbucks.
It was one of the very rare times when I had to stop to buy a journal and immediately write because I was so HAPPY.
It was just perfect.
Not to mention, when the day came to a close and I went home, I was greeted by all of the kids shortly thereafter.

Life is good.

Zombie

Sometimes I like to fool myself into thinking that the world is always a wonderful place.
Maybe this is because I refuse to admit that the human race, as a whole, is bad.
I'm just kind of wondering why I get strange looks when I let that sort of hope ooze out. I don't think it's a bad thing at all to have hope and faith in people. I don't think it's a bad thing to trust.
I will admit that I have a hard time trusting, but I think that when it has been earned or granted... It is an absolutely beautiful thing.


Separate thought-
I'm struggling as of late.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive, yet I am finding that to be a painfully difficult thing to do. (quite literally)
My pains stop when I am truly relaxed.
For me, becoming truly relaxed is so hard.
I honestly do not know how to relax.
I'm trying to learn.
I'm trying to trust doctors.
I'm trying to trust, relax, and learn.
I'm simply trying.
(...but I'm also failing.)